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It has been quite sane around here lately. The human has been quietly reducing my rations so I look slim and svelte for the summer (point 1. Don't think I haven't noticed, point 2. Shame she hasn't reduced HER rations...) and we have been going on some long plods which the human calls "fittening" but I call exhausting. Brown pony is still in residence despite Oiky Child still spending more time on the floor then in the saddle but I fear its days may be numbered if this carries on much longer as it has developed the best buck I have seen in years (note to self, try this one out on the common asap). The kamikaze goat squadron are keeping themselves to themselves and the Chickens have gone to the great coop in the sky due to a door malfunction on their pen.

So, all quiet on the Western Front.

However, some of you will remember my traumas with the Google car last April. This has come back to bite me on the bottom in glorious technicolour. Thankfully Streetview DOESN'T show me going through the hedge but it DOES show the human making a certain "gesture" at the driver for going over the cattle grid too fast. Classy.

And no, I'm not telling you the postcode so you can all have a good laugh.......

No **** Sherlock

The trouble is with winter weather is that it is very boring for fat ponies. Not only am I having issues with cold white stuff covering all my grass, it is darn slippery out there and although its funny when the human goes base over apex on the yard, its not so funny when I follow. So the opportunities for getting out and about are limited to say the least when the drive is like the Cresta Run and someone has built an 8ft snowman in the middle of the common.

However, the human decided I ought to go for a leg stretch between the snows and frosts so we headed for the woods where the going was good to firm. I like the woods, they are safe and cosy and quiet. So I was surprised to be pulled up from a spanking trot and even more surprised to hear some somewhat ripe language from above. For once I knew I was blameless and my halo was shining. Whats more, the human had got off and was dragging me into a bushy bit of copse and was holding her phone with her thumb hovering over the 9.

There is a dead body in the tree.

Cue panic. Reverse gear activated, run round in circles, fall in bog, leave. I could hear the human shouting behind me that it wasn't a dead body, its a coat you stupid pony, wait for meeeeeeee.

Ah, so it is. But I'm free! This is a good game, especially as there are nice things to munch in the woods. I leave the human in the distance and troll off looking for food. Splendid!

20 minutes later I stand on my reins and the human finally catches up. All those visits to the gym have not done her any good, she is all red and sweaty. Whats more, on further investigation I have lost half my quota of shoes and my moustache has brambles in it.

Hercule Poirot I am not, but then again, neither is the Human.....