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It has been quite sane around here lately. The human has been quietly reducing my rations so I look slim and svelte for the summer (point 1. Don't think I haven't noticed, point 2. Shame she hasn't reduced HER rations...) and we have been going on some long plods which the human calls "fittening" but I call exhausting. Brown pony is still in residence despite Oiky Child still spending more time on the floor then in the saddle but I fear its days may be numbered if this carries on much longer as it has developed the best buck I have seen in years (note to self, try this one out on the common asap). The kamikaze goat squadron are keeping themselves to themselves and the Chickens have gone to the great coop in the sky due to a door malfunction on their pen.

So, all quiet on the Western Front.

However, some of you will remember my traumas with the Google car last April. This has come back to bite me on the bottom in glorious technicolour. Thankfully Streetview DOESN'T show me going through the hedge but it DOES show the human making a certain "gesture" at the driver for going over the cattle grid too fast. Classy.

And no, I'm not telling you the postcode so you can all have a good laugh.......

No **** Sherlock

The trouble is with winter weather is that it is very boring for fat ponies. Not only am I having issues with cold white stuff covering all my grass, it is darn slippery out there and although its funny when the human goes base over apex on the yard, its not so funny when I follow. So the opportunities for getting out and about are limited to say the least when the drive is like the Cresta Run and someone has built an 8ft snowman in the middle of the common.

However, the human decided I ought to go for a leg stretch between the snows and frosts so we headed for the woods where the going was good to firm. I like the woods, they are safe and cosy and quiet. So I was surprised to be pulled up from a spanking trot and even more surprised to hear some somewhat ripe language from above. For once I knew I was blameless and my halo was shining. Whats more, the human had got off and was dragging me into a bushy bit of copse and was holding her phone with her thumb hovering over the 9.

There is a dead body in the tree.

Cue panic. Reverse gear activated, run round in circles, fall in bog, leave. I could hear the human shouting behind me that it wasn't a dead body, its a coat you stupid pony, wait for meeeeeeee.

Ah, so it is. But I'm free! This is a good game, especially as there are nice things to munch in the woods. I leave the human in the distance and troll off looking for food. Splendid!

20 minutes later I stand on my reins and the human finally catches up. All those visits to the gym have not done her any good, she is all red and sweaty. Whats more, on further investigation I have lost half my quota of shoes and my moustache has brambles in it.

Hercule Poirot I am not, but then again, neither is the Human.....

Welcome to England's newest nudist colony....

Something rather odd has happened. It all started when the human came back from holiday and burst out laughing when she saw me. I checked that none of my legs had fallen off, I didn't have a goat in my tail and I had licked my breakfast from the corners of my mouth but couldn't see what all the hilarity was about. All that had changed in the 7 days the human had been away was my fluff. Same colour, but rather more apparently.

So the human turns up a few days later with a carrot and a sneaky grin. I grab carrot and immediately spit it straight back out. The carrot is filled with POISON. There ensues an unseemly tussle with human trying to ram the carrot in my trap whilst wailing that it cost £17.50 to fill the carrot with a "nice little treat". Well, if a carrot is THAT expensive, it must be tasty so I duly oblige and munch it all up. I think the human was robbed at the grocers, it didn't taste at all good. I was then parked in the stable and the human sat down with a cup of tea and a smug look.

10 minutes later I am wondering why I'm in with no food.

20 minutes later I am still wondering why I'm in with no food and am banging the door.

30 minutes later I have dug up my mats and pooed in my water as a protest.

45 minutes later I am feeling rather terrific and love everyone man, even the trees and the flowers and the sky and the clouds and the kamikaze goat squadron and the chickzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

90 minutes later I remember that I was hungry and open one eye to see if there is hay yet. There is rather a draught round my nether regions so I look down to find that I am absolutely STARKERS.

*blush*

The human has a very nasty grin and is sweeping up MY FLUFF from the floor.

My advice is to keep an eye on your carrots, they are apparently rather easy to spike........

The long arm of the law.....

Ohhhhh dear. I have finally made the human cry.

We went for a plod in the woods and there is a bit of an awkward gate to get in. Because I am fat, there is not enough room to get through with the human on top so she has to get off and lead me through. This usually is without incident but not today. The gate was a bit stiff so the human rather stupidly let go of yours truly and haha!

Freeeeeedom!!!!

I lost sight of the human after a few hundred yards and stopped for a handy snack from a tree. She had been running so I guessed it wouldn't be long until she turned up all red in the face and puffy. Except she didn't. So I carried on munching - well a fat pony can't let the opportunity pass - and waited.

Still no human.

After about 30 minutes I acquired a dog. This was a good game and we had a bit of a play until the dog's rather irate owner turned up. Then I knew I was in trouble. 3 points on the licence and at hefty fine at the very least. Dog in one hand and me in the other I was dragged unceremoniously to the car park and tied up next to a car bearing the colours of the local constabulary.

The blubbing human turned up 5 minutes later saying she thought I had been lost forever etc, etc and despite my escapade she still loved me "sob" and how I was a silly boy. The policeman then said "there, there, people FALL OFF all the time and don't you worry, he's safe and sound."

So now the whole village thinks the human fell off. Its made my day.....

Anyone for a quick chukka?

We have new neighbours. It started when an enormous lorry turned up in the next field and spat out a dozen brown ponies. Then another two lorries came and suddenly the field is heaving. Meanwhile, someone is hammering in what look like goalposts and the house is full of midgets speaking Spanish. The icing on the cake came when a huge helicopter buzzed the goats (VERY funny), landed amongst all these brown ponies and someone festooned with bling got out. Apparently this is the owner.

So, all is quiet for a few days then the human & I go for a tool across the fields. I was doing very nicely thank you when my canter is rudely interrupted by a "TONK" and something white and fast whizzes past my nose. This is followed by one of the brown ponies coming through the hedge complete with midget, mallet and apologies in Spanish. The ball is then bashed back through the gap in the hedge and the midget disappears. Well it was rude not to go and see what was going on, so ignoring the WORDS coming from the human I make for the gap in the hedge to go and investigate.

Chaos.

Suffice to say, I don't think Argentinians have ever seen a fat pony try and join in a polo match. The proceedings grind to a halt quicker than you can say "anyone for pimms?" The bling-laden owner is standing there with his mouth open and all the brown ponies are running away. The human is now puce with embarrassment and trying to apologise in as many languages as possible and I am reversing back through the hedge at mach 3. We are not going for a hack in that direction until the end of the polo season.

P.S. As an interesting postcript to this incident - the human tried to thumb a lift off the helicopter about 3 days later. Needless to say, it didn't stop.

Television X

Oh dear. I have been subjected to something only consenting adults should see and the human has come over all funny and gone to lie down.

I have been basking quietly all day in my new string vest (human says it keeps the flies off, I say I look like Rab C Nesbitt) with the hairy black ponies (now plus 1) when the human looms large with my tack. I did try explaining that it was a bit WARM to be off gallivanting but I was ignored and pointed in the direction of the common. Usually the common is the domain of the cows and an occasional deer but as we rounded the bottom corner at warp speed I saw a BUM. And then another BUM. I slammed on the brakes as best I could which caused a bit of a commotion on top but not as big a commotion as in front of me where 2 naked humans leapt up and tried very hard to cover up with a rug, a video camera and half a bottle of bubbly. I told the human to cover her eyes at this point, she is far too easily disturbed, especially as the camera appeared to still be filming and removed us from the incident as quick as possible (mach 2) while the human tried to shout back at the now very dishevelled people that bonking in the middle of a bridlepath perhaps wasn't the best way forward. Blimey......

Coming soon to Google...

I have had a traumatic day. The local clay pigeon shoot have been in town and given me a funny turn by firing up bits of stuff and then unleashing Armageddon over my head (sadly missing the goats I notice). Then Useless Dad came past with his tractor and mowed the only bit of grass I had left. And finally I was made to go out for a plod and met a Dalek.

To be honest, the ride hadn't had an auspicious start as I rushed a gate and kneecapped the human. The language from above was a tad ripe so I decided that if I trotted off the wind would blow the WORDS away and I wouldn't be corrupted. So we were going at quite a belt when above the hedge line appeared an eye on a stalk. I stopped but the human didn't and for a while she was draped round my ears. It became clear that the eye was attached to something with an engine and at this point I decided that I wasn't going to stick around to find out. Trouble is, the gate was now between me and 100 acres of escape route, so through the hedge it was, past some very surprised sheep and up the hill to safety.

The eye turned out to be on a pole on top of a very sinister black car with Google on it. This could be embarrassing.