Welcome to England's newest nudist colony....

Something rather odd has happened. It all started when the human came back from holiday and burst out laughing when she saw me. I checked that none of my legs had fallen off, I didn't have a goat in my tail and I had licked my breakfast from the corners of my mouth but couldn't see what all the hilarity was about. All that had changed in the 7 days the human had been away was my fluff. Same colour, but rather more apparently.

So the human turns up a few days later with a carrot and a sneaky grin. I grab carrot and immediately spit it straight back out. The carrot is filled with POISON. There ensues an unseemly tussle with human trying to ram the carrot in my trap whilst wailing that it cost £17.50 to fill the carrot with a "nice little treat". Well, if a carrot is THAT expensive, it must be tasty so I duly oblige and munch it all up. I think the human was robbed at the grocers, it didn't taste at all good. I was then parked in the stable and the human sat down with a cup of tea and a smug look.

10 minutes later I am wondering why I'm in with no food.

20 minutes later I am still wondering why I'm in with no food and am banging the door.

30 minutes later I have dug up my mats and pooed in my water as a protest.

45 minutes later I am feeling rather terrific and love everyone man, even the trees and the flowers and the sky and the clouds and the kamikaze goat squadron and the chickzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

90 minutes later I remember that I was hungry and open one eye to see if there is hay yet. There is rather a draught round my nether regions so I look down to find that I am absolutely STARKERS.

*blush*

The human has a very nasty grin and is sweeping up MY FLUFF from the floor.

My advice is to keep an eye on your carrots, they are apparently rather easy to spike........

The long arm of the law.....

Ohhhhh dear. I have finally made the human cry.

We went for a plod in the woods and there is a bit of an awkward gate to get in. Because I am fat, there is not enough room to get through with the human on top so she has to get off and lead me through. This usually is without incident but not today. The gate was a bit stiff so the human rather stupidly let go of yours truly and haha!

Freeeeeedom!!!!

I lost sight of the human after a few hundred yards and stopped for a handy snack from a tree. She had been running so I guessed it wouldn't be long until she turned up all red in the face and puffy. Except she didn't. So I carried on munching - well a fat pony can't let the opportunity pass - and waited.

Still no human.

After about 30 minutes I acquired a dog. This was a good game and we had a bit of a play until the dog's rather irate owner turned up. Then I knew I was in trouble. 3 points on the licence and at hefty fine at the very least. Dog in one hand and me in the other I was dragged unceremoniously to the car park and tied up next to a car bearing the colours of the local constabulary.

The blubbing human turned up 5 minutes later saying she thought I had been lost forever etc, etc and despite my escapade she still loved me "sob" and how I was a silly boy. The policeman then said "there, there, people FALL OFF all the time and don't you worry, he's safe and sound."

So now the whole village thinks the human fell off. Its made my day.....

Anyone for a quick chukka?

We have new neighbours. It started when an enormous lorry turned up in the next field and spat out a dozen brown ponies. Then another two lorries came and suddenly the field is heaving. Meanwhile, someone is hammering in what look like goalposts and the house is full of midgets speaking Spanish. The icing on the cake came when a huge helicopter buzzed the goats (VERY funny), landed amongst all these brown ponies and someone festooned with bling got out. Apparently this is the owner.

So, all is quiet for a few days then the human & I go for a tool across the fields. I was doing very nicely thank you when my canter is rudely interrupted by a "TONK" and something white and fast whizzes past my nose. This is followed by one of the brown ponies coming through the hedge complete with midget, mallet and apologies in Spanish. The ball is then bashed back through the gap in the hedge and the midget disappears. Well it was rude not to go and see what was going on, so ignoring the WORDS coming from the human I make for the gap in the hedge to go and investigate.

Chaos.

Suffice to say, I don't think Argentinians have ever seen a fat pony try and join in a polo match. The proceedings grind to a halt quicker than you can say "anyone for pimms?" The bling-laden owner is standing there with his mouth open and all the brown ponies are running away. The human is now puce with embarrassment and trying to apologise in as many languages as possible and I am reversing back through the hedge at mach 3. We are not going for a hack in that direction until the end of the polo season.

P.S. As an interesting postcript to this incident - the human tried to thumb a lift off the helicopter about 3 days later. Needless to say, it didn't stop.

Television X

Oh dear. I have been subjected to something only consenting adults should see and the human has come over all funny and gone to lie down.

I have been basking quietly all day in my new string vest (human says it keeps the flies off, I say I look like Rab C Nesbitt) with the hairy black ponies (now plus 1) when the human looms large with my tack. I did try explaining that it was a bit WARM to be off gallivanting but I was ignored and pointed in the direction of the common. Usually the common is the domain of the cows and an occasional deer but as we rounded the bottom corner at warp speed I saw a BUM. And then another BUM. I slammed on the brakes as best I could which caused a bit of a commotion on top but not as big a commotion as in front of me where 2 naked humans leapt up and tried very hard to cover up with a rug, a video camera and half a bottle of bubbly. I told the human to cover her eyes at this point, she is far too easily disturbed, especially as the camera appeared to still be filming and removed us from the incident as quick as possible (mach 2) while the human tried to shout back at the now very dishevelled people that bonking in the middle of a bridlepath perhaps wasn't the best way forward. Blimey......

Coming soon to Google...

I have had a traumatic day. The local clay pigeon shoot have been in town and given me a funny turn by firing up bits of stuff and then unleashing Armageddon over my head (sadly missing the goats I notice). Then Useless Dad came past with his tractor and mowed the only bit of grass I had left. And finally I was made to go out for a plod and met a Dalek.

To be honest, the ride hadn't had an auspicious start as I rushed a gate and kneecapped the human. The language from above was a tad ripe so I decided that if I trotted off the wind would blow the WORDS away and I wouldn't be corrupted. So we were going at quite a belt when above the hedge line appeared an eye on a stalk. I stopped but the human didn't and for a while she was draped round my ears. It became clear that the eye was attached to something with an engine and at this point I decided that I wasn't going to stick around to find out. Trouble is, the gate was now between me and 100 acres of escape route, so through the hedge it was, past some very surprised sheep and up the hill to safety.

The eye turned out to be on a pole on top of a very sinister black car with Google on it. This could be embarrassing.

In bed with Bertie Bassett

There is groaning emanating from the human. I think she's sick. Whatever it is, my morning constitutional consisted of being punted out in the field at stupid o'clock and my feed being emptied over the gate. That was the last I saw of her.

I have my suspicions. It all stemmed from the purchase of some liquorice allsorts that were meant to be sent to somewhere foreign where they don't get them but they didn't fit in the parcel. Because the human has a similar outlook to food as ME, they didn't stick around too long on the kitchen table but the human obviously has a very delicate constitution as they didn't seem to agree. At all. This is where I did my "prick up ears and look cute" thing as food going spare is always a bonus and I have been reliably informed by Uncle "C" that liquorice is GOOD and YUMMY.

Uncle C is WRONG. Ewwww, yuck, cue running around in circles spitting bits out everywhere. What is IN those things? Actually, looking at the packet, it contains cow. Oooh I feel all peculiar. No wonder the human is poorly although I think it was rather more QUANTITY that did for her...

Now if someone could get her out of bed to get me some nice crunchy carrots.....

The goat ate my homework

The human has got all ambitious. Now ambition is not necessarily a bad thing, but this "ambition" includes yours truly. And yours truly would rather not if its all the same with you.

To make things even worse, its the dreaded D word that even the human finds it hard to say since I scored a 3 for my left canter (should have got at least an 8 for the associated buck) at the last outing.

For some reason the human arrived yesterday brandishing a green bit of paper with lots of instructions on it. This worried me. The previous bits of paper were blue and only had half as much writing on. I was wondering how the human was going to remember all the blurb when she tucked it into her pocket and tacked me up. As usual we went down the road but then took an unexpected detour into the field that me and the lads call "Aintree" for reasons which will become obvious in a sec. The human then proceeded to whip out said green bit of paper and mutter strange incantations such as lengthened canter strides and give and retake reins over x. After a few minutes it became apparent that I was to carry out these instructions in a proper dressage pony type fashion.

*SMIRK*

Put it this way, dressage now includes JUMPIES!!! It was the give and retake the reins that did it. Or rather, the give and DROP the reins. We were out of the field, over the hedge and home before the human even got to the second side of writing.

To top it all, the human said to her friends that she would try again when I was feeling a bit less "fresh" but neglected to notice that the green piece of paper was rapidly disappearing down a hungry goat. 'Nuff said....

Sinbinned

I am in the doghouse. At least I would be if I fitted. I bit the human and as if that wasn't enough, knocked the head off the snowman she had built in my field and helped myself to the snowman's face. Its all down to the weather. You can tell we've had a lot of it because all the humans are bored of talking about it and just go around tutting a lot and feeling under our rugs. And there's more WEATHER to come.

Well I've been stuck indoors due to the fact that all the snow gets stuck in my hooves but the human had a pang of conscience and said I could go out for a roll. So I dutifully had a roll and asked to be let back in. This request was ignored because the human was trying to get in a cat litter tray for something called sledging. So I asked to come in again. This was also ignored as the human had gone through the bottom of said litter tray and sunk in the white stuff (she is even fatter than me). So I gave it one last shot. Nothing. Not even an acknowledgement of my plight. I mean, what else is there to do in a totally ice covered field? Then I spied Mr Frosty, lovingly constructed at the top of my field complete with edible nose. This was a good game and brought the human stomping over to inspect the damage. So I asked to come in again. The human was too busy trying to reconnect Mr Frosty's head so this is when my patience snapped. I learnt a whole new set of WORDS if you get my drift. Blood and everything. But it worked, I got pushed in faster than you can say Elastoplast. Result.

P.S. I am moving AGAIN. Told you.

The more it snows.....

(Tiddley Pom)*, The more it goes (Tiddley Pom), The more it goes (Tiddley Pom), On Snowing.

And nobody knows (Tiddley Pom), How cold my toes (Tiddley Pom), How cold my toes (Tiddley Pom), Are growing.

With apologies to A.A. Milne.

*This is the human. She is strangely cheerful given the current weather. I mean, it was bad enough being put out at the crack of dawn this morning in a light smattering of snow but then she pushed off to work and the heavens opened. So come 3 o'clock there I am looking like Eeyore with a dusting of the white stuff and measuring about 17 hands due to my hooves being filled with snow. So what is there to be cheerful about? I think the human is hoping for a snow day tomorrow so she doesn't have to go to work. I think she'll be lucky.... Also rather embarrassingly, the human set off up my field with a feed sack and proceeded to come down it backwards on her bum. HONESTLY, I can't take her anywhere. I had to hide my face in shame.

Bring on the summer.....

Brown is the new chestnut....

It wasn't my fault. Honest. The human said I needed company today so I could go out with another pony called Chocolate. Well Chocolate was so named because he is of a chocolate hue. So I joined in. I'm not sure how I ended up face down in the bog, I think I was bounced in but the human says it was probably self inflicted. However it happened, I am now brown. All over. Its even in my ears which has made me a bit deaf (pardon?) but at least it drowns out the whinging. I even managed to work a bit of mud in between the rugs which made the human apoplectic with rage. The downside of it was having to have a bath with freezing cold water and then being clothed in all the rubbish rugs that were left because the good ones were all soggy. Bother. So now I look all tatty but at least I am clean. Until tomorrow.....

Tax is more than taxing...

I am worried. The human has come for a cuddle after I have gone to bed which is unheard of. I think she's depressed and its got something to do with the previously unfinished tax return that has now been finished and the fallout has hit. Us ponies (especially the fat ones) don't have to do stuff like that, its all about the next haynet, plod or visit from the Antichrist. I don't even count as an expense which seems a bit odd. I mean, the human is always saying how expensive I am so can't I be offset against the tax bill??? Anyway, the human has sent a grovelling letter to the nice people at the Inland Revenue so we will see what comes of it.

In the meantime, the human has informed me that I may have to move house AGAIN. On the plus side we haven't unpacked from the last move yet and I will get to live WITH the human which means I can grovel for food 24/7. There isn't a bad side now I come to think of it but we are waiting for the current landlord to count ponies and stables to see if there is actually room for us. Will keep you posted, although you may hear the complaints from the human about shifting my wardrobe before I get to the computer.....

Man Flu

I am dying. Its all the human's fault. She decided that I needed the Antichrist himself (otherwise known as vet) to come and stick needles in me so I don't get whatever it is the vaccination is for and now I'm dying. Its proper flu, not just sissy flu, I had a thermometer up my bum and everything *sniff* and I am lying under all my blankets feeling VERY sorry for myself and making the human run around with cold flannels and sponges. *SNIFF* The human says don't be so pathetic, you did this whole shebang last year and you were perfectly alright 24 hours later you wet blanket. Whatever happened to sympathy?

*SNIFF*

Boo hoo

Boo hoo, I am missing my friend. The human has put me in a new house in a howling gale and I haven't got my best mate to hold my hoof in the dark. I trashed my bed in a huff but the human just laughed and swept it all up again, I will have to try harder next time. Mind you, I have all night to work on it. The human tried to wear me out with a 90 minute trot round the lanes but I always have a bit of energy left for mischief!

I have some nice new friends however, once I have been let out to meet them. I am the baby of the stables and I am under strict instructions not to behave like one as the herd elders will not approve. I still think I am the prettiest. The human says I am all beauty and no brains, but secretly I think she knows I am cleverer than her. We will see....

The weather is getting worse, I hope my friends up in Scotland don't get blown away. I am looking forward to the summer when I have grown all my fur back and don't have to wear so many blankets. Brings a new meaning to "clothes horse".

Still no tax return by the way. The human is waiting for a lottery win or someone to abolish the Inland Revenue. Fat chance....

Moving house

Well, the human is packing. Not her stuff you understand but mine as I am moving house this week. I am going to a nice quiet yard near the human's house so she is less cross in the mornings as she can get half an hour more in bed.

There are mutterings, however about the amount of STUFF she is having to pack. A horse has to look good in public, hence the huge wardrobe and associated accessories! And since all my fluff was shaved off (I mean, how RUDE), I am on a 5 rug regime as it is a mite chilly out there. The human has a friend who says I look like a bag lady when my rugs are a bit wonky. I am not speaking to the friend.

Anyway, the human is trying to throw away as many of my possessions as possible, she says I don't need the mouldy old noseband and bald brushes so now the bins are overflowing and the rubbish men will shout at her.

Bet she goes out and buys everything all over again.

P.S Still no tax return. I have bets on with the cat that she will be up at midnight on January 30th weeping copiously.....

Shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted...

Well, honestly.... The stable door WAS shut, its just that after I waggled it a bit, it opened. So then I went out into the yard, turned on a few taps, knocked over the wheelbarrow and was just testing the gate into the wider world when the human turned up and ruined my escape bid. Now I am back in my stable which has been screwed shut.

I have had new shoes today. The human is muttering that SHE doesn't get new shoes every six weeks - in fact, judging by the state of todays footwear, she doesn't even get new shoes every six years. To be honest, after pounding the tarmac in the vain hope of shifting some of my bulk, I had worn my shoes down to the last millimetre. Lazy human just sits on top - THATS why her shoes don't wear out. To celebrate the new shoes I decided to christen them by leaping around in a random fashion causing some rude words from above, heh, heh....

By the way, the human didn't do her tax return last night, she got distracted by ebay. No discipline.....

Blogging Virgin

Ha, well, the human has decided to start one of these things just for me to post my observations, mainly about the serious lack of food in my life but also anything else that tickles my fancy. I am a middle aged (but have episodes of acting like a 2 year old), slightly portly equine who when the inspiration takes me can be found doing "stuff" that might or might not please the human and win a flappy bit of ribbon, but mostly I just eat. And eat. And eat a bit more with a quick snooze in between.....

The human has to do something called a tax return this evening (might get more money for foooood), so I will post back as soon as I can.

The Fat Pony (honestly, could have picked something a bit more flattering. As you acn see though, I did get the joke...)